Need That

Ever have a sudden realization that your life is not going as planned? And it's not a bad thing...it's just not what you expected. That's our life right now.... And it makes it hard to come here and share my life because I don't know what to say. I know where we have been...and I have a peace about where we are headed but everything in between is just blurry right now. And I am having a hard time being articulate about it....

Blurry. Can't quite make out the edges. Not sure what is around the corner. Full of vivid color but unsure of the lines. It's all blurry.

And there is the contrast to life during the summer. Summer was very full. It was full of our people. It was full of celebration. It was full of being in the moment and soaking up the present. It was full of anticipation for what life was going to look like in the fall. And even though J was gone a lot and there was some big transitions, I felt very supported and cared for.

And then the end of summer hit us. And I knew life would look different but I was unprepared for the magnitude of the shift.

And the highlight reel looks like this:

Our papa, who is a daily presence in our life would find out his cancer was back with a vengeance- metastasized in his brain. He would require daily treatment and go through a personality shift that would make life almost unbearable for our grandma. And in that I would find a new role trying to care for a caregiver and figure out how to do this mama thing without our village.

J's dream job, his calling..... would require more then we expected. And while totally willing to make whatever sacrifices God asked of our family, it isn't without adjustment or cost. A trip extended,  catching up from all the travel, exciting works in the future. Stretching.

A shift in my tribe. People who have been a part of my near daily life.... well they just aren't. And there are some gaping holes where different circumstances have moved people out of my life. And I know that is how life works. I know nothing is stagnant. But I am struggling with how much I had invested in these relationships...wondering if that was foolish, if it was real to anyone but me. And while my usual operating procedure is to push through, reach out more, look for chances to love them better...I don't have the emotional energy to do that. And I can't tell if that is wisdom or just defeat....

And this vision that we had for our family- homeschooling. This plan that would allow us to be intentional about the time we had as a family...well that was a bad plan. I knew it was never perfect but I didn't count on the above deviations from the plan either. And once I realized that things I needed to be successful at this weren't going to exist....we had to abandon ship. And as a mother and a teacher there are mixed feeling about that...but overwhelming relief.

But all of that was to say that I had the best night last night. Last night we celebrated a friend's birthday. Three of us went out to dinner and spent hours talking and laughing...and it was just what I needed.

And here is this lesson that I have been taught over and over. We need girlfriends. We need women in our life who we can bounce from shallow to intense to silly to deep in one session. We need people who make us almost spray coke across the table and women we can be our self with. We need women who we can say this makes me giddy and this just hurts. We need women we can share our past with and wonder about our future.

And last night I was blessed to spend hours with two women who do all those things for me. But they also bend their life to accommodate mine. They have families, jobs, obligations, and a life of their own. But they still recognize where I am flailing and they do whatever it takes to be real in my life. Even rearranging their own life...even if there is a cost.

I need that. You need that.

I am blessed to have relationships like that. It's the deepest desire of my heart to cultivate relationships like these. I want to be that friend. I work at being that friend....but being on the receiving end of that has given me a new understanding of its importance...of its power.