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Friday, May 6, 2011

Not glossy or shattered

When I peruse through the blogs in my reader or see snippets of life through facebook statuses, I can't help but wonder how it's possible to have such a life... one where the only circumstances are of happiness and humor.  I follow enough bloggers pouring out their heart through tragedy to know that there are those writers as well. But it seems there are two acceptable ways to share your life, glossy or shattered. My favorite writers are those who can see beauty though pain. It is those who look for meaning in ordinary. And yet can still cherish a moment just for what it is, something to delight it.

I want to be that person.

I am in the this deep introverted phase. It is a phase. But I know myself well enough, understand how I am wired enough.... to know that I should embrace it. From the outside looking in it seems a bit like I have checked out...feels that way to those who love me. But it isn't that at all. It's that the cries of my heart and the questions of my soul beg to be tended. It's the deep need to understand that is knit though every part of the way I was created drowning out everything else.

And after the season we have walked though....the cries, questions, and need is big. Bigger than me.

So I want to blog. I want to use my ability to arrange words to give voice to what I know I am not the only one to feel. I want to pour out my heart and let the words fall like balm onto the wounds of those around me.

And that brings more questions. Like....Maybe glossy is better? And am I taking myself too seriously? And what could I say that would matter to anyone other than me? Surely someone with a better story and stronger gift has better things to say? And why I can't I just be like everyone else who manage to either really be that cheerful or hide it so well?

Louder than those questions is the compulsion to write. And the hidden words that sit in my inbox and the comments you leave...words of healing and hope...from you that read my wordy meanderings and are somehow moved by it.

So if you read this blog for the chatty girl who is sparkly and manic about seemingly insignificant things at times, you should check back in about a week. She'll be back. She's resilient and hard to shush. <3